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When we last spoke through an intricate series of dick jokes, I was fully ready to throw in the towel on my commentating days. I’m talking ghosting forever and vanishing into the ether like the gilded blog that I used to cram full of celebrity boobs and socio-political commentary as if that combination made a goddamn lick of sense.

But I didn’t. I powered through, and it turned out to be one of the best decisions of my life. Shortly after publishing the wrap-up I almost…


(Getty)

Folks, I’m going to be completely upfront with you. I almost bailed on this whole endeavor because, honestly, what’s the fucking point? Much like electing Donald Trump was a deflating moment in American politics, the confirmation of Brett Kavanaugh to the Supreme Court was another canary dropping dead as fuck in the gold mine. Not so much because the Republican majority in the Senate jammed Lord Partisan Boofbeer right through a bullshit FBI investigation. That was to be expected. No, it was another depressing, shit-awful moment because of how many of us watched our blood relatives gleefully hop on Facebook…


(Warner Bros.)

As it becomes depressingly clear that Brett Kavanaugh is almost definitely getting nominated to the Supreme Court, I needed something to keep me from committing arson. So I watched the new trailer. Which for some reason is five fucking minutes long and seems to give away entire action sequences. Sure, why not?

However, despite Warner Bros. finally learning that people actually like superhero movies that feature bright costumes ripped straight from the comics— Not being grim, murder-brawls that look like a goddamn funeral also helps. — still leans heavily into whatever dudebro shit was going on in…


It’s only Wednesday and already two stories have broke that continue to emphasize that our present timeline is a grim butthole that we’re not getting yanked out of any time soon. The situation is particularly bleak for women, which has been the case since the first boner was popped, but never in my life have I seen such blatant and open attacks. Apparently, these she-devils are getting way out of hand by — existing in pop culture and not wanting to be raped. Yup, pure anarchy.

So let’s get to the most egregious example that naturally involves…


(Instagram)

True story. I’ve been trying to go easy on the celebrity gossip so I’m not relying on my old bag of tricks. But in the past 48 hours, you people lit up my mentions about a certain somebody’s attempt at playing White Savior and getting her freckles punched in for it.

So let’s do this.

Lindsay Lohan Is Stealing Kids Now

For those of you who don’t spend your weekends glued to Twitter — What’s it like having friends? Tell me everything. — Lindsay Lohan became a trending topic after she posted an Instagram story where she literally tries to kidnap children from a refugee…


On paper, this week should’ve been a great week.

Against incredible odds, Bill Cosby finally got his ass sent to prison on Tuesday, and he’s more than likely going to die there, or at minimum, spend his final days as a registered sex offender. All in all, that’s some pretty amazing stuff that nobody thought would happen in a thousand years, even with Cosby staring down the barrel of 60 rape accusations. Shit, the one case that miraculously did make it into a court room ended in a mistrial the first time around, and afterwards, Cosby started popping up at…


“Vhy does it keep askving vor gold coins? And vhat in vuck iz varp vhistle?!”

For the record, I honestly have been trying to steer clear of Trump and focus more on the fact that he’s merely a symptom of the Stage 27 cancer called the Republican Party. And there’s still going to be a large serving from that butthole crockpot because these people are human-shaped husks full of racism, murder, and rape.

But first, let’s address the (non-)elephant in the room…

The President’s Dick

Like the topic we’re about to discuss, I’m going to make this very quick and very unfortunate. In an exclusive excerpt provided to , Stormy Daniels’ book describes Donald Trump’s penis as…


(The Canadian Press)

This week, we’re finding out what happens when I drop one of these bad boys on a Wednesday. Or at least it was Wednesday when I started writing this. What day is it now? Easter? Sonofabitch.

To the dick jokes!

Olivia Munn Took It to the Goddamn Hole

Before we get into the dark, depressing, perpetually shit-ass state of Hollywood — well, technically this is still about that — I want to shine my tiny, little spotlight on Olivia Munn who just boldly torched her career by not staying silent about Shane Black secretly allowing a registered sex offender to act in three of of his movies, namely…


(Marvel/Entertainment Weekly)

Before we dive into yet another week ensconced in this Satan’s dickhole of a timeline, I just want to say thanks to everyone who keeps showing up for whatever it is I’m doing here. And a special tip of the hat to Dustin Rowles at for graciously hurling eyeballs at me. If you ever need a kidney, one of mine has your name on it. (Disclaimer: Alcohol is good for them, right?)

But, seriously, I’m trying not to get my hopes up because I’ve ventured down Optimism Road a few times in these post- days and received a blunt…


(Twitter)

In theory, this should’ve been a long weekend of rest and relaxation while America celebrates Labor Day by grilling meat and conveniently ignoring the nearly lifeless bodies of unions twitching in the background even though we wouldn’t have holidays, sick days, or wages that exceed a penny farted directly into our eye in exchange for 97 hours of work without them.

Instead, our gargantuan trash-dick of a timeline kept chugging along because almost two years ago, America went from being vaguely racist to proudly pouring that shit on its cereal and waving it around like a goddamn badge of honor…

Mike Redmond

The Superficial Writer (2007–2017)

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