America the Shitiful (A Weekend Wrap-Up)
In theory, this should’ve been a long weekend of rest and relaxation while America celebrates Labor Day by grilling meat and conveniently ignoring the nearly lifeless bodies of unions twitching in the background even though we wouldn’t have holidays, sick days, or wages that exceed a penny farted directly into our eye in exchange for 97 hours of work without them.
Instead, our gargantuan trash-dick of a timeline kept chugging along because almost two years ago, America went from being vaguely racist to proudly pouring that shit on its cereal and waving it around like a goddamn badge of honor on social media. It’s like living in The Twilight Zone if every episode was about Nazis taking over the government because your mom and dad learned how to use Facebook.
Let’s get cracking.
Begun, The Nike Wars Have
In a surprisingly incendiary move, Nike made the very bold decision to make Colin Kaepernick the face of it’s “Just Do It” campaign’s 30th anniversary, which has already caused share prices to fall as “Mayo Twitter” — whoever coined that phrase, I love you so much — now had another excuse to destroy their own property. Clearly, it had been far too long since the Great Keurig Smashing of 2017, and the air was once again rife for self-owns.
For the record, Kaepernick started kneeling during the National Anthem to justifiably protest the disproportionate killing of African-Americans by the police. He was not protesting the Anthem, or the flag, or the goddamn troops, which is how that story got twisted and easily poured down pale gullets because there’s nothing like going on Facebook and finding out it’s totally cool to be racist as long as you barely mask it in patriotism.
Just kidding. You don’t even have to do that.
Of course, NFL fans don’t want to see any of this shit when they’re just trying to watch spousal abusers beat the fuck out of each other for a stupid game, so now they’re cutting up their socks and burning their shoes to own the libs? Jesus Christ, there’s probably going to be a hole in the ozone layer specifically because of this.
“Daddy, why is the world so hot?”
“Racists lit their shoes on fire because of football.”
“…. What?”
“Sounds even stupider out loud, right? Anyway, I’m going to go shoot myself so you kids can have more water. Good talk.”
Welcome To #TheResistance… Meghan McCain? Wait
I’m going to tread somewhat lightly here because we’re talking about a woman delivering a eulogy at her father’s funeral, so I don’t want to be a dick and expect a perfectly concise, bullet-pointed indictment of our nation’s shitholiest president.
That said, maybe pull back on the “Meghan McCain Brutally Decapitated Trump In Front of His Family and Ate His Entrails on the White House Lawn” headlines even though it’s pretty fucking clear who she was talking about. Via Time:
“We gather here to mourn the passing of American greatness,” she said. “The real thing, not cheap rhetoric from men who will never come near the sacrifice he gave so willingly.”
In an apparent reference to Trump’s “Make America Great Again” campaign slogan, Meghan added: “The America of John McCain has no need to be made great again because America was always great.” The line was met with applause.
Okay, cool. Granted, Meghan continued to carry a goddamn ocean’s worth of water for President Bone Spurs long after he shat on the late McCain’s time in a POW camp, but I’m willing to consider that Trump’s piss-poor handling of her father’s death was the final straw. If that’s what it took for Meghan to finally leave the Dark Side, awesome. We all have different journeys.
But if she goes right back to being a shill for the political party that’s letting Trump wipe his ass all over America’s face — and oh I dunno, stays married to the guy who publishes the fucking Federalist — then uh, thanks for the shallow words, I guess? Maybe come back when you’re not following exactly in your dad’s footsteps.
Speaking of funerals…
This Was A Titty Grab
That guy grabbed Ariana Grande’s tit at Aretha Franklin’s funeral, and I don’t care what he says, he knew he was grabbing Ariana Grande’s tit at Aretha Franklin’s funeral. There were 18 billion cameras at this thing. Did he think God would make his hand invisible? WTF?
Ryan Gosling Murdered The American Flag
Before America began its obsession with lighting its shoes on fire to protest black guys thinking they can protest, Ryan Gosling was flicking patriotic nipples the wrong way by defending the directorial decision to omit Neil Armstrong planting the American flag on the moon in the biopic First Man. Ironically, nationalistic fartbags are correctly pointing out that the moon landing was one facet of the Cold War arms race between Russia and the United States, yet these are the same people who are completely content with ignoring any and all facts that Putin is so far up Trump’s ass, he can spin his toupee around. (It’s actually pretty funny.)
Of course, it also hasn’t mattered that Armstrong’s own sons are defending the movie by saying that it clearly depicts an “American achievement,” but it puts the emphasis on the moon landing being an achievement “for all mankind,” which is how their father — who was fucking there — has always viewed the historic event. But that sounds like some soyboy cuck shit, so everybody try and light the moon on fire to own the libs! MERKA!
*chucks Molotov cocktail at the moon, watches it land on own car*
USA!
Why Do We Even Have The 25th Amendment If We’re Not Going To Fucking Use It?
Technically, this didn’t happen over the weekend, but it’s important enough to put… two stories below Ariana Grande getting her boob grabbed? God, I suck at this.
If you’re catching word of the excerpt from Bob Woodward’s new book that was published in the Washington Post today, it is both unsurprising and goddamn terrifying at the same time. Long story short, Donald Trump was not prepared to win the presidency, nor is he mentally fit to do so, and the situation is so goddamn bad that aides are literally stealing papers off of his desk so he doesn’t enact policies that are somehow even worse than the bullshit he’s already pulled.
At one point, Secretary of Defense Mattis had to explain to Trump that America’s military presence in South Korea actually is important because it allows us to know if North Korea launched a nuclear missile within seven seconds as opposed to 15 fucking minutes, which is what would happen if Emperor Pulpatine — Give it a second. — did what Putin wanted and pulled out of the region, leaving us to rely on intel from goddamn Alaska. Mattis then left that meeting and told people that the president has the comprehension skills of a “fifth grader,” so expect some hot tweets coming up!
Anyway, give it a read, and then dedicate yourself to punching the lights out out of anyone who wants to say you have “Trump Derangement Syndrome” for correctly continuing to highlight that a morbidly obese kindergartener is running our country like a racist harp from hell while the Republican Party loots this bitch as fast as it can.
UPDATE: While I was writing this, WaPo published the transcript of a call between Trump and Woodward, and Jesus Hussein Christ. It is a goddamn miracle we are all alive right now, and these are the stupidest fucking liars you will ever read about in your life. My seven-year-old tells better lies, and she still believes in Santa Claus.
Mike Redmond is the former writer/editor of The Superficial. He lives in Pennsylvania with his wife and kids who think he’s just some weirdo with a computer. They’re not wrong. (Twitter | Email)
