Peeing On Things Because I’m Badass Aquaman, Bro, GET SOME
As it becomes depressingly clear that Brett Kavanaugh is almost definitely getting nominated to the Supreme Court, I needed something to keep me from committing arson. So I watched the new Aquaman trailer. Which for some reason is five fucking minutes long and seems to give away entire action sequences. Sure, why not?
However, despite Warner Bros. finally learning that people actually like superhero movies that feature bright costumes ripped straight from the comics— Not being grim, murder-brawls that look like a goddamn funeral also helps. — Aquaman still leans heavily into whatever dudebro shit was going on in Justice League. It is hilariously jarring, but more importantly, it opened a door for me to make way too many pee jokes, which naturally, I jumped all over because I am an adult.
Enjoy.
DAD: Son, there’s something you should know. Your mother was a mermaid.
ARTHUR: DAMN. BANGING FISH IS BADASS.
DAD: No. No, it isn’t. She totally bounced. The situation was awful.
ARTHUR: I COULD’VE JUST PEED ON IT.
DAD: You did! A lot!
ARTHUR: MY MAN.
ARTHUR [lands through submachine hatch]: PERMISSION TO COME ABOARD.
SAILOR: This is the third time this week. Please don’t say-
ARTHUR: AND IN MY PANTS! SAW A HOT SQUID OUT THERE. BADASS!
SAILOR [into walkie-talkie]: Blow the ship. Yup, the whole thing.
ARTHUR: HAHA! BLOW.
MERA: Black Manta almost had us. That was a close call- and, oh shit, you’re going to say it aren’t you? You’re fucking saying it.
ARTHUR: I COULD’VE JUST BADASSED ON IT.
MERA: Huh. Okay.
ARTHUR: THE BADASS IS MY PEE.
MERA: Why?!
MOM: Arthur, I’m so sorry I abandoned you.
ARTHUR: IT WAS BADASS.
MOM: I’m glad you took it well.
ARTHUR [slams 47 beers]: HANDLING IT LIKE A TOTAL BOSS, MOM.
MOM: Oh God.
ARTHUR: HEY, YOU’RE THAT DOCTOR CHICK WHO BANGED BATMAN. FACE CHLAMYDIAN. I DIG IT.
MOM: Piece of shit dye-job. I knew it wouldn’t work!
MERA: Arthur, did you listen to the prophecy?
ARTHUR: MY MAN.
MERA: Arthur, this is serious. What did it say?
ARTHUR: … IF I BURN DOWN RED LOBSTER, YOU’LL SHOW ME A BOOB?
MERA: Goddammit.
AQUAMAN: THAT WASN’T A NO, BROTHER. BADASS! [high fives a manatee]
MERA: Will you fight for Atlantis?
ARTHUR [chugs bottle of Jack, smashes it]: ALCOHOLISM. MY MAN!
MERA: What the fuck?
ARTHUR [pukes on starfish]: CHECK IT OUT. MY MOUTH JUST PEED ON IT.
ORM: Who dares challenge the OCEAN MASTER?
ARTHUR: REDHEADS.
ORM: What? What is he saying?
ARTHUR: LOT OF WATER DOWN HERE. I COULD’VE JUST-
MERA: Please stab me with a shark.
ARTHUR: PEED ON IT. BADASS!
ORM: What happened to him?
MERA: His mom had sex with Batman.
ORM: Damn…
BONUS END-CREDITS SCENE
BRUCE: Oh fackin’ shit, he saw me.
ARTHUR: BATMAN, MY MAN! LOOKING SWOLL, BROTHER. BADASS!
BRUCE: Hey, fackin’ easy on the Batman shit. But yeah, I’m fackin’ ripped. My diet is nuthin’ but gawddamn chickens.
ARTHUR: I COULD’VE JUST PEED ON IT.
BRUCE: Okay… So, uh, what’s goin’ awn with you? Yer fackin’ naked holdin’ a speah.
ARTHUR: DOLPHINS HAVE SYPHILIS TOO, BRO.
BRUCE: Oh gawd.
ARTHUR: ARE YOU MY DAD?!
Mike Redmond is the former writer/editor of The Superficial. He lives in Pennsylvania with his wife and kids who think he’s just some weirdo with a computer. They’re not wrong. (Twitter | Email)
