Norm Macdonald and the Shitassness of Hollywood
This week, we’re finding out what happens when I drop one of these bad boys on a Wednesday. Or at least it was Wednesday when I started writing this. What day is it now? Easter? Sonofabitch.
To the dick jokes!
Olivia Munn Took It to the Goddamn Hole
Before we get into the dark, depressing, perpetually shit-ass state of Hollywood — well, technically this is still about that — I want to shine my tiny, little spotlight on Olivia Munn who just boldly torched her career by not staying silent about Shane Black secretly allowing a registered sex offender to act in three of of his movies, namely The Predator. Except Munn didn’t stop there, and she spent the weekend at TIFF calling out 20th Century Fox for essentially wanting her to go away even though she’s the one who was put in a scene with a registered sex offender without her knowledge or consent.
On top of that, Munn’s male co-stars never once stepped up to publicly offer their support and even ducked out of interviews if the topic was broached. However, her co-stars eventually issued tepid statements after Munn continued to talk to the press about the bullshit they were pulling. She’s also been remarkably clear-eyed about what’s going to happen for taking a stand against not just Black, but the deeply-rooted system that’s protects assholes like him in order to sell tickets.
“I don’t care if this movie gave me all the money in the world and all the power. If it cost one person’s life, they can take it. I don’t want this career.”
There’s also a special flavor of awful about the fact that this whole situation went down as sexual assault accusations about Les Moonves came to light followed by news that CBS is still going to keep him around. Whee!
But what’s impressive about Olivia Munn is that she’s busted her ass since her G4 days to make it as an actress, and she did it while being constantly maligned by toxic bullshit about her looks, ambitions, or being a “fake nerd.” (Some of which I absolutely perpetuated on The Superficial like a stupid bag of dicks.) So Munn literally just put her life’s work on the line. She’s almost definitely on a list of “difficult” actresses now because she didn’t sit back and let a director quietly insert a convicted child predator into his films.
That kind of bravery is fucking rare in Hollywood, and Olivia Munn deserves all of the recognition for it. Because on the other end of that spectrum…
Jesus Christ, Norm Macdonald
If you’ve been on social media in the past 24 hours, then you probably know that Norm Macdonald stepped on his dick in a spectacularly old white guy fashion. In an interview with The Hollywood Reporter, he actually said the following words out loud about Louis CK and Roseanne Barr:
There are very few people that have gone through what they have, losing everything in a day. Of course, people will go, “What about the victims?” But you know what? The victims didn’t have to go through that.
God. Dammit.
Setting aside the fact that this happened right after Macdonald went to bat for Chris Hardwick — oh yeah, this shit sandwich was loaded — let’s just make one thing abundantly clear: Norm Macdonald thinks that still being a millionaire with millions of fans, which both Barr and CK will continue to be for quite some time, is somehow worse than being on the receiving end of racism or sexual abuse. I don’t care how much you love “Turd Ferguson,” that kind of thinking needs to die and go away. In the words of Michael Shannon, “It’s time for the urn.”
After understandably getting destroyed on social media all day and being shitcanned by The Tonight Show with Jimmy Fallon — which is practically impossible — Macdonald farted out a bullshit apology that is entirely about saving his new Netflix show. As for the fans who were surprised to learn that their favorite comedian is a gaping butthole, the signs where all there.
UPDATE: As I writing this, Deadline reported that Macdonald dropped by The Howard Stern Show where he said, “You’d have to have Down syndrome to not feel sorry” for harassment victims. “Down syndrome,” he repeated. “That’s my new word.”
Haha! Get it? Because you’re not supposed to say “Down syndrome.” Oh, man, they don’t make comedy greats like that anymore. (This is all sarcasm.)
That said, scope out the Deadline link if only for Macdonald’s account of what went down backstage on The Tonight Show because I genuinely believe Jimmy Fallon is that exact brand of chickenshit. Macdonald still sucks, don’t get me wrong, but those two things can exist at the same time.
And Now For Some Good News From… the NFL? That Can’t Be Right
After Nike dropped the bombshell news about its Colin Kaepernick campaign, three surprising developments happened, and, no, one of them isn’t white people lighting their shoes on fire. My kind is as predictable as mayo is gross.
Anyway, first up, ESPN reports that the NFL will not be implementing a national anthem policy despite Trump and his base’s wet dream of watching team owners whip disobedient players on the 45 yard line.
Second, Nike sales actually went up after the Kaepernick announcement, so I can’t wait to see Applebee’s new Kneel During The Anthem Riblets and the mass suicides that follow.
Finally, Tiger Woods kinda sorta almost flirted with taking a political stance by endorsing the Kaepernick ad in the most non-specific ways possible. Which is on par — *adjusts bowtie* — with seeing a goddamn unicorn if you know anything about Tiger Woods and his undying devotion to being as boring as possible. (Not counting the time he had sex with every porn star in America then tried to buy their silence with Subway footlongs.)
Speaking of Footlongs, This Gives New Meaning to the Batpole
I almost wrote “Holy Hammaconda, Batman” and then… still did it anyway. God, I’m disgusting.
What Are Shitty, Racist Nerds Harassing a Woman About Now?
Ever since she took an unjustifiable amount of shit from toxic fuckholes over the diverse writers room she put together for The Witcher series on Netflix, I’ve been following Lauren S. Hissrich’s fucking delightful Twitter account, which has been filled with everything from writing tips to behind-the-scenes updates on what it’s like adapting a beloved property for TV. It was great, and I could tell it was about to be crushed under the never-ending deluge of incels who want their fantasy worlds to be white, goddammit.
Sure enough, that’s what happened when word leaked out that one of the main characters would be played by a BAME — black, Asian, or minority ethnicity — instead of a white woman. Nerds fucking flipped, and Hissrich took a much deserved break from Twitter. So let me cut through this bullshit with a quickness because I want to move on to calling Dana Loesch an idiot.
One of the most prevalent arguments is that The Witcher is based on Polish folklore and Poland has been predominantly white for quite some time, so it wouldn’t be “historically accurate” to cast a minority. This is a flaming fuckbag of dumb for two reasons:
- The chances that Poland has stayed 100% white throughout the entirety of history is statistically impossible because people have legs and have been traveling the shit out of Europe since we climbed out of the primordial ooze. Not to mention, The Witcher is set in a fictional realm that is — How do I put this? — not Poland.
- The Witcher is a story about a magical witch man fighting monsters with fucking magic. Not a goddamn lick of that is historically accurate. It’d be like me complaining about a TV show where George Washington uses a lightsaber because his wife is Muslim. “The laser sword is period accurate, but a Middle Eastern woman in colonial America? Fucking SJW bullshit.”
Which reminds me…
THE LAST JEDI WAS FUCKING GOOD
The Stupidest Shit I Read All Week
Technically, Norm Macdonald dominated this category, but because I didn’t do it in the last installment, you’re getting it twice.
After taking time away from calling Thomas The Tank Engine both a Klan member and a secret liberal plot to cram diversity down your kid’s throats — You cannot make this shit up if you tried. — Dana Loesch continued to prove she’s an assault weapon of dumb by suggesting on NRATV that Botham Shem Jean would be alive if he was a gun owner.
Holy fuck.
Keeping in mind that one of the most effective marketing tools for the NRA is stoking racial fear in simple-minded Americans, let’s unpack this:
Say Jean actually managed to shoot off-duty officer Amber Guyger as she entered his home for whatever reason. Yes, he’d still be alive. He’d also be handcuffed and on a bullet train to jail after being immediately slapped with a murder charge. There’d be no 48 hour head start to get his bail and story together. His life is now permanently fucked because he’s a black man who just killed a blonde, white female cop. What was she doing trying to enter her apartment? Never going to matter. Also, you’ve now got one hell of a marketing tool for the NRA. “They’re out here shooting cops, and you might be next. Better buy some more guns!”
Now, say Jean had a gun, but everything else played out exactly like it did. Any chance for justice just got extra fucked because it’s now way easier for Guyger to skate from this situation than it already was. The scary black man was armed? Welp, guess you had no choice but to kill him while breaking into his home because you were tired or some shit. Case. Closed.
In closing, the answer is never guns. Fuck the NRA.
P.S. This Guy Is/Was The Hero of Gun-Loving America #NeverForget
Mike Redmond is the former writer/editor of The Superficial. He lives in Pennsylvania with his wife and kids who think he’s just some weirdo with a computer. They’re not wrong. (Twitter | Email)
