Taylor Swift is Political Now? Oh Good, That Should Help
Folks, I’m going to be completely upfront with you. I almost bailed on this whole endeavor because, honestly, what’s the fucking point? Much like electing Donald Trump was a deflating moment in American politics, the confirmation of Brett Kavanaugh to the Supreme Court was another canary dropping dead as fuck in the gold mine. Not so much because the Republican majority in the Senate jammed Lord Partisan Boofbeer right through a bullshit FBI investigation. That was to be expected. No, it was another depressing, shit-awful moment because of how many of us watched our blood relatives gleefully hop on Facebook and reveal that they will absolutely tear down a rape victim if it brings them even an inch closer to overturning Roe v. Wade. That is all that matters, and there is nothing that can’t be rationalized and waved away in pursuit of that goal.
We are watching Republicans blatantly crack America open like a piggy bank for the ultra-rich thanks to evangelicals who are programmed to view independent thought as apostasy. Which is why they’re lined up at the altar of Trump, fully convinced he’s “chosen by God” while his enemies are clearly working in service of the Devil. We’re talking about supernatural beliefs that belong in the Dark Ages, and yet in 2018, it’s a bleak, unrelenting political reality that probably won’t die off before we’re done turning the Earth into a goddamn oven.
So now that I’ve set the cheery-as-balls mood for this week’s wrap-up, here’s a tiny, infinitesimal glimmer of hope that you probably shouldn’t get too excited about. The butthurt’s kind of nice though.
Taylor Swift Finally Took a Political Stance
After years of remaining “above the fray,” Taylor Swift did something Kim Kardashian can’t do without a mountain of vulva: She broke the internet. (Kill me in my fucking sleep for typing those words.) In a lengthy Instagram post, Swift finally entered American politics by giving a full-throated endorsement to Tennessee Democratic Senate candidate Phil Bredesen, and she didn’t mince words about why his opponent sucks all of the ass:
As much as I have in the past and would like to continue voting for women in office, I cannot support Marsha Blackburn. Her voting record in Congress appalls and terrifies me. She voted against equal pay for women. She voted against the Reauthorization of the Violence Against Women Act, which attempts to protect women from domestic violence, stalking, and date rape. She believes businesses have a right to refuse service to gay couples. She also believes they should not have the right to marry. These are not MY Tennessee values.
Needless to say, Republicans were fucking pissed. Particularly the Nazi ones — redundant, I know — who had stupidly equated Swift’s political silence as clear evidence that she was just waiting for the right moment to reveal herself as a super-racist Aryan princess. You cannot make this shit up. So that was a delicious butthurt stew for Interwebbers both young and old.
Now, apparently the snarky, cool thing to do is criticize Swift for not showing up during the 2016 election. Which, okay, I get. At the same time, not even Donald Trump thought Donald Trump was going to win, so it’s not unreasonable that Swift assumed Hillary had shit in the bag like most adults who assumed that there’s no way in hell that America will go full pussy-grabber. (Surprise!) On top of that, Swift’s Instagram post caused a surge in voter registrations both in Tennessee and nationally, so if you want to stare that gift horse in the mouth, knock yourself out. I’ll be over here making dick jokes for free, so clearly, I’m an amazing arbiter on using one’s time and resources.
The shit, I got it figured out.
Enjoy That Whiff of Optimism? Well, Fuck You. - Sincerely, The Toad Dick Administration
I’m Bound By Nerd Law To Address This
Over the summer, James Gunn was stupidly fired by Marvel/Disney thanks to a right-wing smear campaign that dredged up old tweets full of idiotic shock jock jokes that he’d already apologized for when he landed the first Guardians of the Galaxy. The dude worked for Troma for Chrissakes. Disney knew who they hired, and Gunn had demonstrably grown as a person and artist by that time.
Jump to this week, where Gunn essentially told Disney to eat a dick by signing on to write and presumably direct an entirely new take on Suicide Squad for DC Comics/Warner Bros. If you ignore literally everything else that’s happening in our garbage fire world right now, that’s pretty big news. I guess. (It’s not.)
But let’s be real. The Marvel movies will be fine and continue to absolutely steamroll whatever the hell DC is doing. Which is a shame because DC Comics — emphasis on comics, not their latest batch of butt-ass movies— have been my jam since my dad slapped a copy of Superman into my four-year-old hands. To use a space race analogy, Marvel is colonizing Mars while DC is over in the corner shoving bottle-rockets up Ben Affleck’s ass.
Speaking of…
Heah I Go Again On My Own, Goin’ Down Tha Only Road I’ve Evah Known
Deahest Naked Chahleen who’s also a fackin’ animal doctah or whatevah,
The weekend we spent bangin’ in Montana was fackin’ lovely. I finally signed the fackin’ divorce papahs so fackin’ Karate Chahleen would stahp naggin’ me, and like a gawddamn angel, ya let me do ya next to some wickid mountains the fackin’ very next day.
Our time togethah was fackin’ hawt, but sadly, my fackin’ managah says I might have to be gawddamn Batman again, which usually means bangin’ lots of broads in my trailah. I didn’t chose this fackin’ jahb, this fackin’ jahb chose me. So for dat reason, yer chawped.
My apologies for writin’ this on a fackin’ Jack in the Bawx wrappah while vapin’ in yer driveway. I’m all messed up from the rehab, so don’t go too hahd on me. Like I did on you just this weekend. Ha! Remembah? ’Cause we banged.
Be fackin’ best,
Ben Affleck
Has Reality Gotten Any Better? Let’s Take a Loo- god fucking dammit
And Now For Some Self-Care (Besides The Affleck Schtick, My Entire Rant In The Intro, The Stuff About Comic Books, Making Fun of Trump’s Penis, And Oh Yeah, Bashing Nazis)
As someone who has barely qualified as a comedy writer for the past 11 years, and debatably never has, I’ve always bristled at anyone who complains about “political correctness” ruining stand-up or even movies. “You couldn’t make Blazing Saddles today with these whiny millennials.” No, jackass, it’s because Blazing Saddles was made in the goddamn 70s during an entirely different political and social climate. That’s why reboots of old properties are almost always hot garbage that never match up to the original because those shows and movies were a specific product of their time. It’s impossible to recreate the feeling of watching them when they were relevant. It has nothing to do with political correctness and everything to do with the reality that shit changes. Welcome to life.
Anyway, back to the topic. Jerry Seinfeld has become a vocal opponent of performing on college campuses ever since BuzzFeed dared to question why Comedians in Cars Getting Coffee features mostly white male comedians. In the latest season, Seinfeld spends the entire Tracy Morgan episode bitching about “kids these days” and lecturing on how his definition of funny is the correct one while barely letting Morgan talk. But that’s just me being an easily offended college kid in my late 30s and… not in college.
So that’s why it was refreshing to see a relevant comedian like John Mulaney call out Seinfeld’s bullshit. Via Vulture:
“They don’t do colleges because their fees are too high for colleges to afford,” Mulaney explained. “I mean, I’d probably say that to their faces. It’s weird for them to attribute it to political correctness. They don’t have to play colleges. Why they phrase it that way, I don’t know. I just found that strange.”
Oh yeah, that’s the stuff. I’m just going to go ahead and savor that one, and there’s not a goddamn thing that can bring me down from that high.
Burn the entire world. Burn it all.
Mike Redmond is the former writer/editor of The Superficial. He lives in Pennsylvania with his wife and kids who think he’s just some weirdo with a computer. They’re not wrong. (Twitter | Email)
