Donald Trump’s Toad Dong and the Hordes of Evil Who Chug It
For the record, I honestly have been trying to steer clear of Trump and focus more on the fact that he’s merely a symptom of the Stage 27 cancer called the Republican Party. And there’s still going to be a large serving from that butthole crockpot because these people are human-shaped husks full of racism, murder, and rape.
But first, let’s address the (non-)elephant in the room…
The President’s Dick
Like the topic we’re about to discuss, I’m going to make this very quick and very unfortunate. In an exclusive excerpt provided to The Guardian, Stormy Daniels’ book describes Donald Trump’s penis as “smaller than average” and shaped like Toad from Mario Kart, which resulted in the “least impressive sex” she’s ever had. And while all of that is fucking hilarious, it’s also an extremely definitive answer for why we’re all going to die in a nuclear holocaust and/or The Hunger Games. President Nub-Nub needs to feel like a big boy.
Which is something we’d never have to worry about with a female commander in chief. Unlike the shit-ass gender I belong to, you’ll never catch a woman thinking, “I’m insecure because my vagina looks like Bowser. Let’s bring back concentration camps!”
Meanwhile, If You Really Want to See a Big Ol’ Pair of Balls
FUCCCCCKKKKKK. YOOOOOUUUUUUU.
(If you have no idea what the hell is happening here, what’s it like to still be young and beautiful? Does food taste better? Dammit, I bet it does.)
An Excuse to Murder Black People? Where Do The Oath Keepers Sign Up?
As the President of the United States comforted Americans with the fact that he will absolutely deny they died in a natural disaster without thinking twice, Hurricane Florence barreled into the Carolinas over the weekend. Usually in these situations the obvious concern is getting people to safety as these storms tend to bring near-Biblical amounts of flooding. As of this writing, numerous chunks of North Carolina are underwater, so the safety of human life should be paramount.
Unless you’re the goddamn Oath Keepers.
If you’re the Oath Keepers, your main concern is to mobilize a band of armed idiots to wade into flood zones because… *checks notes*… a Dollar General was looted. Jesus Christ. As JJ MacNab depressingly documents, there is no shortage of Americans just itching for an excuse to gun down poor people for trying to survive a hurricane. Not only that, but these right-wing shitbirds actually believe they have the legal right to murder someone over property that isn’t even theirs. If you want to kill a human being over a handful of dollar store items, you have fucking issues.
Unfortunately, that mindset is absolutely at the core of the GOP’s base, and it will still be there long after Trump is gone. Shit, Chris Kyle became a legend to right wing crowds when he bragged about sniping 30 looters in the aftermath of Hurricane Katrina, which is pretty a fucked up thing to celebrate. And not just because Kyle was lying out of his ass. People caught in a natural disaster shouldn’t be murdered by random idiots who decided to make soggy merchandise their goddamn Alamo. Aren’t you dickheads pro-life?
Then again, we all know who this is really about shooting, so I’ll let Gunmerica’s other poster boy take it from here.
I’ll take that nuclear holocaust now.
A Word on Brett Kavanaugh and ‘Boys Will Be Boys’
If you’ve made it this far into my stupid word swamp, then you probably know that Supreme Court nominee Brett Kavanaugh is accused of attempting to rape Christine Blasey Ford during a high school party. According to Ford, Kavanaugh’s friend allegedly blocked the door to a room and turned up the music while a drunk Kavanaugh allegedly covered her mouth so she wouldn’t scream while he attempted to remove her swimsuit.
Unlike Megyn Kelly and the entire GOP apparatus that’s working overtime to jam Kavanaugh onto the Supreme Court, I absolutely believe Dr. Ford.
More to the point, I want to address the hand-wringing that’s going on with dudes from both sides of the aisle over litigating the actions of horny teenagers. And I get where that is coming from because every dude— every dude — has almost definitely pulled a less than chivalrous to moderately skeevy move during that age and in college. Which I’m not attempting to justify or condone as much as point out that nobody is trying to hang anybody for being young and stupid. However, we shouldn’t shut down conversations about those hornball times because the long antiquated stance of “We don’t talk about that” is the shitty fog where horrible things go down. (See: Penn State, the Catholic Church, the long-ass time when marital rape was entirely legal in almost every state)
Which brings us to Brett Kavanaugh.
What Kavanaugh is accused of goes far beyond the questionable as hell umbrella of “boys will be boys.” If you’re covering a woman’s mouth so she can’t scream, I don’t care how drunk you are, you are fully fucking aware that what you’re doing is dead fucking wrong. That is exactly the kind of teenage shit that should be litigated. And if the price of that is some awkward conversations about the weirdo moves that dudes have pulled to get our dicks touched, we should be ready to bite that bullet if it helps women spend less time dodging unwanted schlongs.
Good talk?
Meanwhile, I’m Sure Things Are Better in Hollyw- Oh Goddammit
That Was Probably Just A Flu- C’MON
Dude.
The ‘Captain Marvel’ Trailer Slightly Emphasized That She’s a Girl? You’ve Gone Too Far, Feminism!
On Tuesday, Marvel dropped the first Captain Marvel trailer, and I pretty much agree with Sarah’s write-up on Lainey Gossip, so let’s dive right into how the Knights of the Incelibate Table have responded.
Because we live in the most garbage anus of timelines, Dudes Online want to make sure everyone knows that Marvel finally focusing on a female superhero, after 20 goddamn films, is clearly a nefarious plot to beat them over the head with feminism. And they won’t stand for it! I’m talking these sad, broken Toad-dongers are literally mad because the trailer turned the word “her” into “hero.” Holy Bucky nips.
So let me break down just one of the most recent ways Marvel has been bending over backwards to tickle your dicks, you selfish fucks.
Infinity War, probably the biggest superhero movie of all time, is entirely about Iron Dude, Star Dude, Magic Dude, and Spider Dude trying to stop Purple Dude while the female characters die, do some karate in a ditch, and then “die” some more. The final goddamn battle is about saving Robot Dude so he can keep sexing one of the few women in these fucking things. Yet somehow 10 years of the biggest film franchise on the planet culminating in a male power fantasy smorgasbord isn’t enough for Man Dork Twitter.
I’m trying real hard not to condone suicide, so I’m going to walk away now. Twenty fucking movies, and you’re still bitching? Goddammit…
The Stupidest Shit I Read All Week
Unfortunately, this brazen, yet not surprising bullshit move got buried under the eight million things that happen every hour on the hour because our government is on fire, so I just wanted to make sure nobody forgets that the police (and right wing media) will absolutely use marijuana as a justification for murdering African-Americans in cold blood. Even in cases where it’s abundantly clear that they were an innocent victim sitting in their own home.
On that note, please feel free to roll this post up and cram it up the ass of the next person who wants to criticize Colin Kaepernick. Or save a tree, and give yourself an excuse to upgrade your phone and/or tablet. (Please let it be a tablet. Holy shit.)
Mike Redmond is the former writer/editor of The Superficial. He lives in Pennsylvania with his wife and kids who think he’s just some weirdo with a computer. They’re not wrong. (Twitter | Email)
